Lurching as if thousands of shocks cascade through every vein and sinew, teeth clenched as if trying to resist the breath tearing out through burnt raw lungs, eyes hollow and so very far away. So very far away. Barely connected, barely conscious, a million miles away from the semi literate thoughts, the long drawn out scream from inside.
Words form and fall apart before ever expressing anything more than the faintest of glimmers of reason, but the message is already imprinted in every muscle twitch even as it is lost to an almost all encompassing confusion. One Last Time, Before.
This is a new low. Beyond any mere reduction in chemicals, a weariness rooted in a deep lack of preparation. Muscles contract, feeling like jagged rocks tearing across raw flesh. Reactions reduced to sparks of light each time the cold, weathered and resilient rock batters at the front wheel.
There is no back up in knowing I’ve done all I can to be ready for this. This is exploring what happens when I push just as I am now. I’ve sat, head in hands at the side of the course, hoping the darkness would completely envelop me and take me away from the long, brutal path I’d chosen. One Last Time. ‘See what happens, even when’
“Is there anything I can say or do that would make a difference…”
Not really. Things have to come back to me in their own way. This is about setting fire to the bridge while I’m still stood on it, plugging myself into the mains and seeing how long I can hold on for. I have to be sat here so I can get back up and carry on. So when I feel like this again nothing will be able to stop me. I’ll know I can get back up, so falling down means nothing.
I drag my carcass around the race and let the course batter it. Empty it completely in it’s unprepared state. The more hollow I finish the more space I have to rebuild.
>>EDIT: The results are up