Twinkly Dave – Mud splattered bicycle and pizza enthusiast Growing old disgracefully

October 30, 2006

Sunday is faux-sports day at the supermarket

Filed under: lunacy - other peoples,not bikes — dgpowell @ 11:19 am

Riding on Saturday (in the cloud, fog, mist, murk and occasional rain..lovely) meant I had sunday to myself last weekend. Well, I say “to myself”, what I of course mean is that i had a different day to go food shopping and tidy the house a bit.
Now I’ve often wondered about the people who have sunday free every week to do nothing other than stumble around waiting for monday, I’ve had sundays fully booked with riding for as long as i can remember, so i wanted to get an idea of the people who never really found a sunday sport (not the paper) and what makes them tick.

I set of in annoying glorious sunshine and unseasonal warmth (evidently someone somewhere high up was teaching me a lesson for not riding on the sabbath or something) to the local supermarket, dressed casually with no bike branding or such on display – i didn’t want to scare off any non-sports types with my natural air of cycling greatness – and noted how all the runners and casual cyclists doing laps of the local docklands were almost glaring at me.

Once in the safety of the supermarket itself I realised that even if you don’t participate in any sports you should still try to convince everyone around you that, in fact, you are deep in training for something and that your entire life revolves around simply “being healthy”.

The first person to bring this to my attention was a middle aged woman wearing faux-cycling shorts, overly expensive cross-running shoes and a huge wooly fleece that had blatently been mis-sold to her. I stood next to her a the “make your own salad” bar, wishing she would stop pulling the faux-cycling shorts out of her arse with the hand she was using to dole out overly large portions of mayonniase garlic mushrooms (subtly covered in a thin layer of brown rice salad to keep up the healthy pretence) as it was putting me off, and noted how she would occasionally raise up onto her toes like runners do before a big race, before pushing the two pieces of veg in her trolley around. Of course, the two pieces of veg were beseiged by an army of biscuits and ready meals, but i guess we weren’t suppose to notice those.

I wandered off without a “make your own” salad, completed my shopping in approximately 3 minutes flat and decided to take a quick tour of the centre isle to see if i could find any other faux-sport stars. Within about 30 seconds i had my second big hit of the day. At first i thought another true sportsman had been forced to shop on a sunday like me, so cunning was his disguise. But as i got closer to him i realised that, although his jersey was a true running one, the bulging waist line (couldn’t see that from behind), “runstar” trainers (still gleaming white) and half ton of donuts in his basket gave him away. He gets the award from “most convincing faux sports star”

I won’t mention the couple in their matching tracksuits in any great detail, you can imagine what they were like for yourselves. I will only tell you that their trolley was full of the “reduced fat” and “healthy choice” versions of normal foods and all those reduced calories obviously halped them stay trim on the short walk to the ‘mother and child’ parking space right outside the doors that they had commandeered.

I thought that this dressing up might just be some sort of game, like a fancy dress party every week, until i wandered past couple after couple conversing about how they would definately do some sports as soon as they had the time. I actually started to think that maybe they were putting it on for my benefit as it seemed strange that so many people would be talking about the same thing at the same time. I guess it’s just like teenagers exaggerating how many girls/boys they’ve been with whenever they feel inferior…and in an environment like the faux-sports stadium of the supermarket they’d feel pretty damn inferior all the time.

I left quite quickly after hearing all the conversations, a little disturbed abut how these people could spend so much time enacting the life of a sporty person without ever actually daring to do some excersize. I got some funny looks for walking right through the car park without getting into a car…even though i was carrying some shopping…and decided that i fi had to go shoppnig on a sunday again i’d wear lots of bike related clothing (no lycra, you understand) to try and fit in more.

I think next sunday i’ll go for a ride…


  1. I went for a ride, it was beautiful sunshine, clear skies like sex but with more muck.

    You should visit the parks around the country on a Sat – thousands of “fans” wearing replica shirts all voicing opinions and tatics like they play the game day in day out, but in fact it’s all brevado (or stella!!). it’s the state of the nation every body wants to be fit and healthy and live forever – but theres somthing on telly or iv’e not got time – make time, enjoy life and play out more it makes the working week worth while 🙂

    Comment by Wayne — October 30, 2006 @ 12:50 pm

  2. I think “I don’t have time for excercise” is the fat person’s mantra.

    oh and you need one of these

    Comment by matt — October 30, 2006 @ 5:50 pm

  3. balls, no img tags for me


    Comment by matt — October 30, 2006 @ 5:51 pm

  4. WHAT!

    cut and paste you bastard!

    Comment by matt — October 30, 2006 @ 5:51 pm

  5. yes, that shirt looks like great ‘podium wear’

    Comment by dave — October 31, 2006 @ 10:50 am

  6. or this

    Comment by matt — October 31, 2006 @ 11:28 am

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