So you’ve ridden all day, for miles…and miles…and miles. Your bike’s now lent against the wall of the garage, still coated in dirt because you’re not a pro and you don’t have a mechanic to magically sort that sort of thing. That’s going to have to wait…possibly until summer, when it’ll be dry and dusty and it won’t need cleaning anyway.
No, instead you’re getting moaned at about something-or-other, just as you stumble through the back door and start the fight against your overshoes, which – after being complete sods to get on – are being complete sods to get off. You’re not entirely sure what the moaning is about, possibly because of what time it is (you knew you were going to be late when you turned left and went over another couple of hills and you knew it would incur the wrath of they-who-must-be-appeased, but you were fine with that – it’d be worth it)? Maybe because you’ve traipsed mud and grime into the kitchen while doing the overshoe-removal dance? Or it could just be because you left the last bike shop invoice out by mistake and the reason you can’t afford to go out for a romantic meal has revealed itself to be those lovely new brake calipers, rather than the bleak economic climate like you claimed, while crawling through the weightweenies component listings.
Whatever it is, you’re in no mood for it. The ratchets on your shoes are refusing to budge under what little duress your numb fingers can provide, your shorts aren’t as comfy to hop and skip round the kitchen in as they are while sitting on your overly expensive saddle and are starting to ride up into places they really shouldn’t.
You need a wash.
And you need some coffee.
Magnus Backstedt knows this.
He has been there. He also has the answer – to the coffee problem anyway, you’ll have to sort the shower/bath out yourself.
Had he been out on the ride with you he would have kicked your arse all over the place. He’s kicked pretty much everyone’s arse on a bike at some point, yours would have been no problem, he’s been a pro for donkey’s years winning big, big races. He’s got the “cyclist’s needs” part of the coffee equation covered. It just so happens that he’s invested almost as many hours drinking coffee as he has training to kick harder arses than yours. In fact he’s blended some coffee, after all that “research”…and this coffee can kick your arse as much as he can.
Now, I’m not claiming that this stuff will be like riding with/against Mr Backstedt himself. I have no idea what that would be like. Probably uncomfortable and somewhat humbling. But, as the website itself claims, it has a “crazy caffeine kick” and as such will have no problem sucker punching your currently hunched over, post big-ride body into a state of wild eyed readiness. Even if those wild eyes are reduced to just apologising for whatever it is you’re meant to still be apologising about from earlier. It was probably the dirt you trawled in through the back door, but that’s not important right now.
What is important is that, even though you’ve just been slapped about the head by enough caffeine to wake a herd of stoned elephants, after one big-mug serving, you fancy another cup. Because it actually tastes quite nice. The packaging claims “Soft acidity and full body with pronounced dark chocolate. A distant hint of fruit that lingers in a slightly dry finish”, which sounds utterly wonderful and exciting, but lets be honest, even though you like a nice cup of coffee you’re no real expert. In fact you once really enjoyed a bog standard cup of coffee at Starbucks, but never had the guts to tell anyone.
This is nice though. It must be, as you’ve just drained the last of what you’ve brewed into a mug and find yourself shaking the jug to get the last drops out.
OK so it tastes nice and has managed to salvage a real person from the fatigued shell of a human that crawled away from the bike a hour ago, but why buy more of it when you can get something that doesn’t taste awful from the local supermarket for less? After all, less money spent on coffee means more money to spend on bikes, right?
Our Mr Backstedt has this covered too: You are spending money on bikes, while spending money on coffee. Not your own bike, admittedly, but then that’s still slowly drying to a rusted crisp in the garage (you’d forgotten about it, hadn’t you – and there’s no way you’re going back outside to wash/relube it now you’ve regained the feeling in your extremities and have just got clean). No, you’ll be supporting the Sprocket Procycling team.
That’s a pro team. Like the one’s you pretend you’re racing against sometimes. Buying the coffee gives them money, thanks to the sponsorship set up. That’s ace. You’re drinking a nice brew AND sponsoring a team…in fact, if you squint really hard, you’re almost part of the team yourself. Practically a pro. Nice one, have another slurp to celebrate.
Disclaimer: I bought this stuff. For full price. No-one offered me anything for claiming it was nice. I just drank it and liked it. So nerr. Maybe you should try it too, you can buy it from here.